When relationships make your body sick

On toxic dynamics as an underestimated Lifestyle factor

In the world of lifestyle, we often talk about nutrition, exercise, sleep, and stress. And we know how important social support is. But now consider our relationships: the people we live with. Your relationships are an environment in themselves—a context that continuously stimulates your body, your nervous system, and your ability to recover.

Research clearly shows that this environment matters.

As a comprehensive meta-analysis showed:

"The risk of mortality from insufficient social connections is comparable to smoking, and greater than obesity and physical inactivity." - Julianne Holt-Lunstad et al. 2010

So it's a matter of life and death, but it's not the quantity of connections that matters—it's the quality. Another study stated:

“The subjective quality of the relationship predicts health outcomes such as sleep, metabolic health, and the risk of chronic disease.” (Janice K. et al., 2017)

So it's not about the type of relationship, but about the quality of the relational climate. This also applies to broader social networks. Research consistently shows that:

“A healthy social network increases longevity and quality of life.” (Kharah M. Ross et al.)

But that phrase contains a crucial word: healthy. Because what if relationships actually burden your body?

When relationships become a source of chronic stress

Not all relationships support our well-being. Sometimes dynamics arise that don't give your nervous system space to recover: subtly oppressive, demanding, undermining, unpredictable, demanding.

In my practice, I see how this relational burden translates into physical complaints: tension headaches, palpitations, exhaustion, poor sleep, increased sensitivity, pain without a clear cause.

Only when we listen to the body together does it become clear that the stress stems from relationships with people.

A toxic dynamic doesn't have to be a loud conflict. Often it's quiet, slow, underlying, and disruptive.

Toxic Dynamics

When we talk about "toxic relationships," we sometimes think too quickly about toxic people. But usually, it's not about who someone is, but about what develops between two people.

The fantastic psychotherapist Esther Perel puts it aptly: it's about the space between people. The same person can be warm, open, and caring in one relationship, but suffocating, oppressive, or undermining in another. That doesn't make a person wrong. It doesn't make the dynamic healthy.

Perel emphasizes that every relationship is a delicate balance between two fundamental needs:

• Safety and closeness: the need to belong, to be supported and loved.

• Freedom and autonomy: the need for personal expression, independence, and space to grow.

When this balance is disturbed—for example, when one partner's need for autonomy leads to feelings of abandonment, or when one partner's need for closeness suffocates the other—a pattern develops that chronically burdens the nervous system.

The core is therefore relational: what nourishes you is essentially the quality of the exchange and how well the dynamic allows you to be both connected and yourself.

What feels safe is personal. What nourishes is relational. And what your body signals is often more reliable than what your mind tries to understand.

You don't recognize toxic relationships by drama, but by subtle signals: you become quieter, smaller, more cautious. You start to legitimize yourself. You feel responsible for the emotional climate. You are considerate, but you are not carried yourself.

And above all: your body tenses, while your mind continues to reason.

What relationship stress does to your body

Your body has no opinion about who is "right." Your nervous system registers only one thing: safe or unsafe.

Living in relational tension for extended periods keeps your body in a constant state of alert. Scientifically speaking, this means: elevated stress hormones, sleep disruption, reduced immunity, tense muscles, altered pain perception, and hormonal imbalance.

Stephen Porges, founder of polyvagal theory, puts it simply:

“Safety is the first condition for health.” Without perceived safety, the body cannot recover.

Not because you are too weak. But because biology refuses to compromise.

Many people continue to function in toxic dynamics for years. They work. They worry. They laugh. But the body will sooner or later speak out when the soul remains silent for too long.

Survival strategies masquerade as personality

What strikes me time and again in counseling is how often people condemn themselves for behavior that was actually protective.

Perfectionism. Loyalty to the point of self-denial. Pleasing. Avoidance. Emotional hardening. Overwork. Addiction.

Not because someone is like that. But because that's how someone has learned to survive.

Gabor Maté, physician and trauma expert, writes about this:

“Trauma is not what happens to you, but what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.”

The body develops strategies to survive in unsafe contexts. These strategies can work against us years later—but they were once necessary.

It's not always about breaking—it's about inhabiting.

Ending a relationship isn't always the answer. But taking your place is. Every unhealthy dynamic requires awareness.

Setting boundaries doesn't have to be a struggle. Consciously choosing which energy you allow isn't either. It's about feeling yourself again, trusting your body again, learning to hear "no" without guilt. Sometimes healing can mean:

• less explaining

• less carrying

• less adjusting

• more listening to your body

• taking up more space in gentleness

• becoming more true to yourself

• removing your masks

The most important work doesn't happen in the other person, but in yourself: taking your place, re-inhabiting your body, feeling your "no" without guilt.

As Sherrie Campbell writes:

"You cannot heal in the same environment that made you sick."

But sometimes the environment doesn't change. Sometimes you change, and the dynamic shifts naturally.

Your environment as medicine starts with your relationships.

You can decorate your home as beautifully as you like—light, tranquility, natural materials, order, softness—but if your relationships are on edge, no interior can calm your nervous system.

Your greatest environment isn't your home. It's the people you live with.

Your body reacts more strongly to a look than to a plant. More strongly to a voice than to a color. More strongly to an emotional tone than to a design.

Relationships are biological signals. And your nervous system is always listening.

Relational safety is health. Relational toxicity is a chronic stressor.

Gentle awareness: listening through the body

You don't become aware of relational stress with your head. You do it through your body.

A few gentle guiding questions to feel—not to analyze:

• How does my body feel before and after contact with someone?

• Where do I expand? Where do I shrink?

• Where do I flow? Where do I tense up?

• Where do I feel free? Where do I feel too responsible?

• The body never lies. It whispers first... and if it's not heard, it starts shouting.

In conclusion

A healthy lifestyle without healthy relationships is half the story. Nutrition, exercise, sleep, and routines carry you... but your relationships are the oxygen in which you live.

Anyone who truly wants to recover can also look gently at the people around you, the expectations that carry or burden you, and the relational environment in which your body must function daily.

Not with judgment. But with clarity.

Because you can eat as healthily as you like...but in a toxic relational environment, you won't breathe peace.

Does this resonate with you, or do you recognize the signals of a body that has been silent for too long? If you notice that relational stress is hindering your recovery and you need clarity and gentle guidance, please feel free to contact us to see how we can listen together to what your body truly needs.